Bad Wake Up

Some days wake up good and end badly.

That was yesterday.

Some days wake up bad and end questionably.

That would be today.

My talk with Dennis didn’t happen. I bailed. I didn’t want to talk about it. It would just make me angry and make him uncomfortable so I bailed.

That’s all I am currently. Angry and sad.

I’m tired of being angry and sad.

I’m more like my parents than I actually think.

When my mom died, my dad was just angry and sad. Of course, it was exponentially more than what I am feeling currently. I just remember how exhausted he was by it. I don’t like expending my energy this way.

One of my coworkers also works at a local boxing club and has offered to take me. I’m going to accept. Another one of my coworkers is taking me to yoga with her. I’m finding work is becoming a safe haven for me. Since I’m there so much and the people are so supportive of me, it makes sense. I’m so very glad that I started working there.

Alex is being kind as well, as she usually is.

Last night was the first time I’ve been seriously suicidal. But instead of going home, I reached out. Granted, I didn’t reach out to the right person at the time, but I got myself out. By the time I got back home, I was so tired I cried myself to sleep. It was easy.

I’m getting more and more anxious about playing the saxophone. Just when I was starting to get my confidence back, I get the rug pulled out from under me.

One of my coworkers gave a good insight. She had gone through a very similar situation. Boyfriend of about 4 years, families knew each other well, everyone thought they were on the path for marriage. He was stressed and unhappy with everything in his life at the time – school, family, friends, and her – but he only had control over one of those things. He only had control over his relationship. Taking matters into his own hands, he broke up with her out of the blue. It was in his opinion the one thing he could control to make himself happy.

And it did make him happy at first. But then he realized that he wasn’t that happy still. She was all for getting back together with him, but right as he wanted to get back together with her, she met her current boyfriend. She chose to not get back together with him. If this was his reflexive reaction when the going got tough, what was she supposed to do?

My therapist continues to tell me that I need to find a better communicator as well as someone with a higher emotional IQ. Many of the people close to me that knew my relationship with Calvin more intimately remind me how one-sided the majority of the relationship was.

I have to remind myself that this was the guy who publicly admitted to not liking to read in front of two of my most intelligent friends. This was the guy who invited another girl jokingly to our anniversary trip to Chicago. This was the guy who took and took and took from me but hardly ever gave me anything in return emotionally.

I just want to sleep and escape this.

The Mess

I’m still just reeling in confusion over everything that’s happened in the last week and a half.

How could he lead me on for so long? Even if he knew that he was going to break up with me in the near future, how could he act like everything was completely fine? How could he?

Hurt doesn’t begin to explain the emotions I feel. Betrayal. Anguish. Anger. Confusion.

The only thing that really makes sense is the idea that there’s another girl.

I’ve told him time and time again, if there is someone else to just tell me. I don’t have to know who it is. I’ll probably be curious and ask, but it ultimately his business.

But I do feel that if there is someone else, I have a right to know. It would give me closure. It would let me know that it wasn’t me entirely. To break up with me out of the blue with half-assed reasons leaves me completely in the dark.

I wish we could have had a discussion about it. Not just “here are my thoughts and that’s the end of it”. I’ve had my doubts about him. We’ve talked about it. It was a conversation, not a scripted dialogue. I’ve given him the chance to change – to grow. I’m sad that I wasn’t given that same chance.

I can go on about how unfair this entire thing is. I can continue to rant about how I’m devastated still that the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with just left me out of no where.

But I don’t want to.

I went to studio today. I know our friend, Dennis, is concerned to some degree. It looked as though he was trying to mouth “how are you doing?” to me before class started, but I’m not sure. I’ve asked him if we can talk. I know he was one of the first people Calvin talked to. Maybe he can shed some more light on the situation.

I have a good feeling though that it’s going to only further cloud my understanding (what little understanding I currently have.) It’s only going to continue to frustrate me because it’s going to be the same answers I heard from Calvin.

He just wasn’t into it anymore.

And instead of trying to work on it, he decided he didn’t want to.

I’m angry at him for that choice, but it was his choice to make. Not mine. The sooner I can accept that, the sooner I can move on.

The guy who bought me a drink Friday was at work yesterday. We’ve nicknamed him “Ed Sheeran guy” because he looks a lot like Ed Sheeran. I was still awkward. He was a bit too, but not as bad as me.

I promised Caitlyn that I would talk to him next time and actually learn his name.

I don’t think I’m ready to start anything just yet, but it can’t hurt to try.

As of right now, I have a pretty vindictive birthday gift planned for Calvin.

For Valentine’s Day, he gave me a cup that says “You’re My Lobster” with a plush lobster wearing a shirt with the same phrase. I’ve talked about it before I believe. I plan on sending that back to him as well as the last few origami flowers he made for me the night before he broke up with me. It’s incredibly petty, I know. The more I think about those last few gifts, though, the angrier I get.

Why would I want to hold on to something that’s supposed to be more of a “forever” gift of an ex-boyfriend? It would be a constant reminder of how to him, that Valentine’s Day was where our relationship really took a turn for the worse and how little I knew at the time.

I’m angry still. He has no responsibility. No regrets. Nothing.

And I have all this baggage and nowhere to put it.

I’m in the process of reorganizing my life. This week is all about classwork and internship. I’ve been going through my closet as well and weeding through the stuff there to get rid of what I don’t use. I need to get rid of stuff so it’s easier for me to move when the time comes.

Calvin still has a lot of boxes that I paid for. Good boxes too for moving.

Why did he have to go and make a big mess of things and make this so difficult?

Aging

Okay.

I’m having a freak out.

But a weird kind of freak out.

Like. Jesus.

I’m not ready to have kids.

I’m not ready to be out of college. I’m not ready to meet somebody. I’m not ready to get married. I’m not ready to get a big-girl job and start paying back my loans and be done with this whole thing.

I’m a kid.

I’m not ready to move in with someone. I’m ready to play with my cat and eat kale chips in bed while watching Gilmore Girls.

Ugh. Life is just so crazy. I’m 22 – almost 23. That is so weird. I have not been able to legally drink for almost 2 years. This is crazy. This is crap. What the fuck is happening? How am I getting older?!

Just yesterday I was 14 and with my first boyfriend ever. I was mad at him for something that don’t even remember. We were at a friends house. We felt so old back then and everything felt so real. Every emotion, every touch, every smile was genuine.

I still haven’t progressed from that silly, awkward teen. If anything, it’s gotten worse.

Oh how I always felt so young. Now, older guys at work are taking notice of me. I’m a potential. I have potential. That’s bizarre and a totally unexpected thing. What is happening to the world?

How am I getting older?

The First Drink

I had this table of some pretty cute guys last night.

I mean, I don’t know. It was weird.

One of the guys there bought me a drink. Every time he’d walk by, he’d smile at me. I usually smiled back (kinda.)

I’m awful.

It was awful.

It was awesome.

And I feel like such a piece of shit.

He left me a nice tip too. Even though I was a pretty disgraceful server to them. I mean, it wasn’t horrible, but I was having an off night and ugh.

Some of us were in the back playing cards and I invited them back to play with us, but it didn’t seems they were too interested in the offer. Or the only dude that was there when I went and told them didn’t say anything and now this is awkward.

I don’t know. I’m awkward. Fucking hell.

One of our regulars was sitting with them. He was not impressed with my reaction I don’t think.

Which makes me angry, but whatever. I don’t have to justify myself to him.

Only…. I don’t know…. I just got dumped by the guy I’ve been in love with for the past 4 years less than 2 weeks ago out of no where when I thought everything was fine and we were getting ready to move in together and shit.

Yeah. I’m totally ready to take on this dating scene.

I haven’t been single and been able to legally drink. Calvin and I started dating when I was 20, so it’s not like I didn’t know how how to drink. I’ve just never really been able to “accept” strangers buying me beverages. I mean, I’ve had tables buy me drinks, but they were always much older or knew of Calvin or something else of the sort. It never came from one individual.

He was cute.

And I’m officially a douche.

I didn’t really know what to do. The bartender was kind to me about it. She said that he’d probably be back again. Not like this was a 1-time deal or anything.

Which also terrifies me.

I’m a freak. I’m weird. I’m obsessed with cats, classical saxophone music, and stupid dad-jokes. I’m a Catholic-turned-agnostic who is about as left-winged as they come and very limited experience in the “real world”.

Forget it. I’m just going to do my thing. If people jump on for the ride, they better hold on tight. I’m not slowing down for anyone but myself.

I Gave You All

Now, for an angry rant.

To act all superior. You’re the one in control. You have the keys, the money, the knowledge – I’m disgusted.

Am I angry that it’s done or that I wasn’t the one who ended it?

Both.

And to talk to me like nothing has happened. You relinquished yourself from all responsibility. Now – you’re going to pay for it.

I no longer will be there for you.

You’ll be fine. I know you will.

I’m just angry right now. Angry that I gave you everything. Angry that I gave you everything so that I would have nothing left inside of me when you abandoned me.

I’ve officially told him I need a clean break. I said unless he has some great change of heart or really important news, we shouldn’t talk.

He said that he doesn’t plan on that changing. He knows it hurts. “Like you said. Dealing with break up, one should be rational but not easily affected by emotions.”

His words.

Not mine from what I remember.

I know it’s true.

I’m just angry and sad. Because all the talking was stringing me along.

What a shitty thing.

Clean Break

I got an unexpected message yesterday morning from Calvin.

I had just woken up and sure enough, I get texts from him and a couple of other people.

He wanted to know how it was going. We caught up briefly. He told me some stuff that he thought might interest me. When he asked about my summer plans, I didn’t hold back on the whole “I’m screwed right now” thing.

My main professor is really pushing me towards this Opportunities for Positive Growth internship in Indiana. She wants me to go there really bad. And she wants me to apply now as well as get started on my internship ASAP.

I’m not protesting a whole lot as I don’t have a whole load of other options. In fact, my options are incredibly limited.

Instead of waiting to get that *perfect* internship, I need to just get it over with. It’s not bad though as I’m actually really excited about this potential internship.

On the topic of Calvin, I’m confused.

I remember all the reasons why we split. I think I can find someone out there that is “better” for me. I’m not crying every day. In fact, I haven’t cried over him in a couple of days. And even then I’m not crying much nor for long. I’m questioning why that is.

Am I not sad because I know that it wasn’t going to work and I can find someone else? Or am I not sad because I don’t think it’s completely over yet and I’m still clinging onto some sort of hope? Or both?

Probably both.

The texting is only further confusing me. It feels like it did in the beginning. His messages are short and mine are long. I’m still telling him everything and he’s telling me a good deal. I just don’t get it.

It’s obvious he still cares about me, but I’m not sure if I’m ready for that right now. We did split only a week ago. I just don’t know.

All of my past break ups, I’ve had a no-talking policy. No phone calls, no texts, no messages, no emails, nothing. I need to have that clean break to really know that it’s done and to adjust to what life is like without that person in my life everyday. Otherwise, it’s too easy to text them about the mundane.

Do I still love Calvin?

I know in some way I do.

Do I love him enough romantically?

I know in some way I do.

I know in some way I don’t.

Not after this.

I find myself thinking about him randomly, but not any more than I did before we broke up. This is all so frustrating.

Can I do a clean break with this guy?

Terrors and Comforts

As the weight of everything I’ve gone through in the last week settles in, I’m beginning to realize how screwed I really am.

I haven’t known much of any of my plans after completing course work this May.

In fact, I really don’t have any plans.

As of right now, I know I only have until July in my current apartment.

I don’t know where I’ll be going after that.

This isn’t a feeling I like at all.

I was sort of planning on moving in with Calvin until my internship started. It also gave me the flexibility of not having to worry about my cat when I go off to internship. He would just stay with Calvin.

I mean, this whole moving in thing also depended on where I was doing my internship and when. My biggest concern is where my kitty and I will be. With Calvin, I didn’t have to worry about that. I was planning on asking Calvin if he would just watch him – I would continue to pay for his food, liter, etc..

Now…

I literally have no idea.

And that terrifies me.

My thoughts are quite scattered at the moment. I’ve been studying Anatomy for the last 5 hours with very few breaks and I’m still incredibly sick. I also haven’t taken any medicine in about 9 hours.

I’m not being very smart right now.

This breaking up thing is really making me realize that I have got to get my shit together and fast.

It’s also making me incredibly sad for all the things that I’ve lost. Mostly, I’m sad for my future and the comforts it would have brought. Being able to wake up to him every day. Knowing that we wanted to have kids and damn our kids would have been gorgeous. Knowing his family, friends, hopes, dreams, him.

Then I realize I have to start all over and the panic sets in.

I can’t think of a single person now that I’m either remotely interested that is available. They are either taken or not even close to what I’m looking for.

I’ve been trying to focus on the things I was giving up by being with Calvin. My current terror makes them seem so incredibly nebulous and insignificant. I’m beginning to question if I was just looking for things to be upset about.

Not that it really matters anymore. I don’t think there’s any going back now. At least not for a very, very long time.

I need to remember the 70%. That 70% we were both having to sacrifice to make it work. Is 20% really that big of a deal? I’m sure once I find someone else that it’s meant to work with, it will seem like that big of a deal.

My biggest wish is that we both find someone at relatively the same time. It would suck so hard for me at least if he found someone first and was plastering it all over the internet. I did tell him to be kind to me in that respect and I intend to do the same. I really liked the way we did it. We weren’t really open about our relationship to the internet until we had already been together for 6+ months. People knew, of course, but it wasn’t “public knowledge”. Even then, we never really explicitly had it on Facebook. I’m still very, very grateful for that. I’m enjoying the privacy and getting to let people know as I talk to them. I’m sure by now everyone in the saxophone studio knows though.

My writing is shit right now and so is my brain, so apologies if you’re reading this. I just needed to give my brain a break – say some of the things that I’ve been thinking recently.

The stupidest little things remind me of him. A Quality Inn – where we had our first hotel stay in Indiana for his Master’s audition, my boss Alan mentioning his parents who lived in Hong Kong for 10 years, and my keys which currently still hold one of the keys to his Prius.

That is one good thing I keep reminding myself. I put myself in his life so deeply. I did so much for him. Hell, the dude wouldn’t know how to drive if it wasn’t for me. Whatever girl he meets in his future will learn of me just like whatever person I meet will know of him.

It brings me a petty comfort to know that.

One of the bigs things I’ve learned in this relationship is that I’m superficially incredibly petty. I wish I gave a damn.

Who ever we meet in the future has great shadows to overcome and shoes to fill. It’s both terrifying and comforting to know that.

 

A Big Change

About 6 months before Calvin and I started dating, I got incredibly sick. It was probably the sickest I’ve ever been since I was in grade school. It started right after my last final of the spring semester back in 2013, which was incredibly convenient. It wasn’t so convenient seeing as I had just started a new job, but I was able to make it work.

It was a cold turned sinus infection. My first ever. It was awful. It went into my ears and gave me ear infections and made me bedridden for about a solid week. One perk was that I lost a lot of weight during that time without trying. Of course, I’ve gained it all back plus some.

I remember that I had also had a little *accident* that made me give up and go to my parents. I didn’t want to/didn’t have the strength to take care of myself during this illness and they offered to help.

Before I left for Muscatine, I had to stop by Calvin’s place. I don’t remember what for exactly, just that he had something of mine that I needed or vice versa and I didn’t think I would see him before he left for Hong Kong.

This was Calvin about a month after he had been dumped by his previous girlfriend, Alisha. I remember he tried to hug me through the car window and I insisted he back away. I remember thinking, ‘The next time I see you, I’ll be okay and so will you. I will make this happen.’

It’s truly fitting to only have the same illness right after Calvin dumps me.

Since Saturday, I’ve had a fever. My congestion has only gotten worse over the past few days with some drainage into my ears. More than likely, this will turn into a sinus infection. I’ve been missing lots of school and work. Not something I like at all.

I have no energy to go to the store. I’m weak when I walk. I don’t feel this as an energy deficit due to mental strain. I know this illness came from that, though.

After that illness in 2013, I felt a big change coming. I was moving in with roommates who were much different than my previous ones. I had changed majors and found my calling in life. I had plans to get a cat. I was going to be with the guy I had planned to spend my life with.

All that happened.

And all that went in way different directions than I had planned.

I don’t talk to either of those two old roommates anymore. In fact, I pretty much hate the one I was most excited to move in with. She was toxic and compassionless in my struggle with depression and anxiety. I’m finishing that same degree much later than anticipated and have found a population that I extremely enjoy working with – but it’s not what I thought it would be. In fact, it’s the opposite population than I thought. I did not adopt the older black cat from the shelter but adopted a small, white kitten from a farm where he was about to go to the shelter. I was with the guy I had planned to spend my life with and realized that he wasn’t the guy I should be spending my life with in a romantic partnership.

I feel another great change coming.

I’ve lost some weight. Not as drastic as the time before, but some. If my condition doesn’t improve by tomorrow, I plan to go back to my parent’s place.

Am I sad at the way things turned out?

I’m not sure.

I love my cat. I love living alone. I love my friends. I love my future career. I love my current job. I’ve cut a lot of toxic relationships. Who knew that was the key to happiness?

Mostly, it’s finding those toxic relationships and being able to identify them as toxic. It’s being able to see what is hurting you more than it’s helping and being able to change that.

I’m done letting fear dictate my life.

I’m going to look far and wide for my internship. See another part of America that I never thought I would be. Find a place that I can take this little white chunk of fur and my guitar and create music to help people. I might stay where I am, but I want to go some where. I’ve lived in the Midwest my entire life. It’s time to go out of my comfort zone.

I’ll probably come back to it. It’s only 6 months, after all.

I want to do and be so much. And it’s time to stop letting my anxiety prevent that.

I have a tendency to not listen to my high school band director who was also one of my greatest mentors and friends. He was the one to tell me I should look into music therapy. He was the one who hesitated when I told him Calvin was “the one”. He was the one who constantly told me that almost nothing in life goes as you originally planned it.

I have never really believed him until now.

Angry at the Universe

That was the hardest thing. Ever.

Talked with so many people today.

I started off hopeful. Hopeful that he had just panicked. Hopeful that we might get back together. Hopeful that things weren’t over.

And I talked to my sister. She always knows how to bring me back down to earth.

We both have someone out there better suited for us. At least for now.

I made lists. What are my wants and needs in a relationship. How does Calvin fit into that. What am I gaining, what am I giving up?

I came to my conclusion before talking to him. Good thing I came to that conclusion too or it would have been a much more difficult conversation.

I still don’t think what happened was any easier.

I’m still mad at the way he did it. I know why, but I’m still mad. I’m still sad at all the things we’re giving up on. I know why, but I’m still sad.

We talked for over 2 hours. Right before we hung up, we said “I love you”.

That’s the hardest part. Two people in love, but it just isn’t enough to make it work.

I never thought anything could be this hard. I had our whole lives pictured together. So did he. In the end, we need different things.

This sucks. So. Hard.

But now, I have closure. Now, we’re friends. It’s still hard imagining a love-life that is without him. It’ll be hard for a long time.

I’m so proud of him for being strong enough to do this. God knows I wasn’t. I had been denying it to myself for a while now. Well, my therapist knew my thoughts, but she also knew I would never act upon them.

You’re told if you love someone enough, any amount of work doesn’t matter. All that matters is that person.

Calvin said that two halves make a whole. When you find the person, 50% is compromise and sacrifice. For us to be together, we would have to sacrifice 70%. And that’s just not fair.

I want to be mad at the universe. I want to be mad at myself. I want to regret this and be angry and petty and spiteful. But I can’t. Because he’s right. And I love him all the more for it.

Day by Day

Day 3 was good.

But also bad.

I woke up and took my car to my parent’s so I could get the brakes fixed. I now have much better working breaks. I cried a bit on my way there.

On the way back with my dad from dropping the car off at the repair shop, I asked if he wouldn’t mind hiding a few of the tokens Calvin gave them that were on display in their home. He tried to argue with me a bit, saying it was an “artificial” way of trying to get over him, but I insisted. I told him I wouldn’t need it for long, but I did need it now and arguing just makes me feel worse about the whole situation. He reluctantly agreed and I cried for the second and last time that day.

I was able to go for a little walk around their neighborhood while my car was being worked on. Only got a little over a mile, but it’s better than nothing. I sat and talked with my parents for a lot longer than I expected, so I didn’t get home until about 2:00.

While at my parent’s, I talked to Calvin’s best friend, Jason. I had asked him the day before how long he had known this was coming and such.

He told me he was just as shocked as I was.

2 weeks ago, he and Calvin had been discussing how things were really going well. Calvin didn’t specifically mention our relationship too often, but enough to say that he was hopeful and things were well. He doesn’t understand what happened as he had seen we went to the saxophone conference together and thought everything was good. Calvin just told him that we broke up suddenly without giving any details. He also believes that Calvin having another girl would violate all his understanding of him.

Calvin shared a recording with him and according to Jason, this means he’s really sad or experiencing a hard time. All he wants for me to do is talk to him.

I expressed my gratitude to him and told him that I intend to. To be honest, this has only made me hopeful and that’s a dangerous thing.

My coworker thinks that he panicked. Seeing that things were finally moving to the final stages of us living together and we had some problems that definitely needed fixing, he wanted out.

I’m beginning to think that as well, but again, this gives me hope. Hope right now is dangerous.

If I know one thing, it’s that Calvin is extremely rational. His emotional maturity though sometimes gets in the way. He’s almost there, but being there doesn’t let things like this happen. Emotionally mature people don’t hide stuff and then break up with a long-time significant other out of nowhere.

He is the “strong and silent” type. I’m the “open and transparent” type. You can see how we’d have some fundamental differences. That doesn’t mean it can’t work.

As the day wore on, I felt a cold coming on. Sure enough, work yesterday was tough mostly because I’m sick. I read somewhere that the emotional stress from a break up can cause your immune system to freak out. Not sure how accurate that is, but I believe it.

Even so, yesterday was good emotionally. I think talking to Jason really helped. I’m also thinking of talking to his mom, mostly to inform his parents that I do still intend on paying them back the full amount from the Hong Kong trip (I still owe them about $1,000.) I felt that I could go either direction. If Calvin really wants to be done with us and move on, I could do that. If he wants to get back together, I could do that.

My coworker told me that no matter my decision if he wants to get back together, it will be a good decision. My heart is mine to make decisions with and all that really matters is my safety and happiness. If I think something like this won’t happen again, then it will be okay. She has good experience in this department as she has been engaged to the same guy twice. The first time, he wasn’t ready and treated her poorly. Now, he’s ready and she knows it. He’s grown. She’s one of the best and strongest people I know.

Most of the time, I don’t believe in “the one”. I think that we are compatible with so many people in this world and destiny is something that is only real in fiction. What matters is choosing the person you want to be with. If you choose “your one”, fight for it. Make it work. Do whatever it takes. I’m still willing to do this. If that makes me foolish, so be it.

I know that I will be okay either way.

I have this little canvas-art thing on my wall that says “choose happiness”. Until now, I have really hated that quote. I had it on my wall to remind me that sometimes things just won’t feel okay and that’s okay. On the surface, I still don’t really like that quote if you look at it superficially. From another angle, I think I finally like it now. Sometimes things won’t be okay and happiness isn’t always a choice, but it can be there. We might not “choose” it, but we will come to it eventually if we make good choices for ourselves.

My therapist and a regular at the restaurant I work at remind me to take everything one day at a time. Yesterday, I was good. Today, I woke up sad, hurt, and in pain in more ways than one. The more I think about things, the more I realize that I am okay. I will be okay. All I want is to be okay. Sure, it sucks, but it’s okay that it sucks. I really am a much stronger person than I ever knew I was.