I’m not sad. I’m not calm. I’m not angry. I’m not happy.
Am I apathetically existing? Am I enjoying where and how I’m utilizing my time?
It feels as though everything has been on hold for the last 4 years.
COVID forced the world to stand still. I was able to enjoy the quiet it brought.
Things began to rotate again. I got lost spinning. Spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning. Spinning around me while I was spinning. One thing after another.
Have I stopped spinning? I think I fell on my head spinning at one point. That was low.
I couldn’t leave my bed for at least a week. I lost for a moment. Lost my will.
Slowly, it was built back. Trial and error – building and breaking – remove and replenish.
And just when I felt alive again, I fell.
Questioning everything. Was this meant to be a moment? Am I to move on – leaving the remnants of what’s been built behind? How can I trust again? Will others see my intentions as faults and malice?
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
Still feel like nothing. Is this existing? Do I have any feelings towards this? Am I satisfied with what quiets my mind versus my body? Does bringing others along with me fulfill me or bring unintended consequences?
What do I really want?
And am I making choices that get me there?