Rhetorical I Guess

I’m not sad. I’m not calm. I’m not angry. I’m not happy.

Am I apathetically existing? Am I enjoying where and how I’m utilizing my time?

It feels as though everything has been on hold for the last 4 years.

COVID forced the world to stand still. I was able to enjoy the quiet it brought.

Things began to rotate again. I got lost spinning. Spinning and spinning and spinning and spinning. Spinning around me while I was spinning. One thing after another.

Have I stopped spinning? I think I fell on my head spinning at one point. That was low.

I couldn’t leave my bed for at least a week. I lost for a moment. Lost my will.

Slowly, it was built back. Trial and error – building and breaking – remove and replenish.

And just when I felt alive again, I fell.

Questioning everything. Was this meant to be a moment? Am I to move on – leaving the remnants of what’s been built behind? How can I trust again? Will others see my intentions as faults and malice?

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Still feel like nothing. Is this existing? Do I have any feelings towards this? Am I satisfied with what quiets my mind versus my body? Does bringing others along with me fulfill me or bring unintended consequences?

What do I really want?

And am I making choices that get me there?

Happy Ramblings

It’s been a while, huh?

I got a new keyboard. It’s mechanical with blue switches for anyone that’s into that sorta stuff. It’s clicky and I liiiiiiiiiike it.

I tried playing Wordle, but it ended up being more frustrating than anything. I kept getting rounds mixed up as to what letters were present in which puzzle.

The main reason why I got a new keyboard though is because it seems the one on my laptop is crapping out on me. I also don’t really need an excuse to get a shiny, rainbow, click-y keyboard. I hope Nick is okay with it.

Oh.

Also.

He left his Master’s program.

It was this pretty shitty thing. When he had needed to withdraw from classes in Spring 2022, they had told him his transcripts would have “W”‘s.

They failed him in those classes.

So, he’d have to stay in El Paso for another 2 years to raise his GPA enough so that he could graduate.

Fuck that noise. He only needed one more class technically. And even that class, he got a “C” in.

So, he moved back in with his parents in Lubbock. He has until December to find a job somewhere. He’s been applying all over the country. Up and down the west coast, Georgia, Colorado, and NYC are all places that I can currently remember him mentioning. Honestly, my only concern is Oregon. There aren’t really any music therapy jobs up there. Maybe that’s a year of experience for him before he can go elsewhere? Or I can find something? I’m not in a rush. I’m a bit locked in to my apartment until a little under a year from now.

Olivia’s lil’ baby is so wonderful – Aurora. I get some bragging rights quickly – the longest she had ever crawled/her first time crawling in one direction in one go was crawling to me over FaceTime.

Goddamn my wrist hurts right now. I think because of the keyboard. That’s a bummer. But also makes sense. It’s much more aesthetic than anything. Maybe I should return it. I have a problem doing that sometimes.

Of course, my response is but to keep typing.

Chaos gremlin has entered the dialogue.

Okayyyyyyy anything else to update? I guess not really.

Boop.

Content?

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here. When I think things are weird but fine… then they turn out to be not fine. It’s been an entirely weird week.

First, an animal I care for died in my care. It was an atypical pet – the smell will haunt me for some time. I’ve been coping with essential oils, candles, etc.

Then, Nick came to visit. It was an alright visit. A nasty fight over my dog being on my bed and him not being able to sleep and me sleep talking. Yes. Sleep talking. Which he then responded with a scathing text message – not understanding that I was sleep talking. The text was very reminiscent of the break-up text he had sent over a year ago. Same language. It was very triggering.

Then, I was told that I internalize everything – which I feel that I’m actually just better at expressing my emotions in non-threatening ways. Nick also internalizes shit – which he at least owned up to. It was just weird. I left it with: couples counseling for sure when we move in together and helping him find resources for him to have a private therapist. His communication skills on this trip were pretty horrendous – which he again owned up to.

Overall – I was feeling very weird about the trip. In the end, we ended up being able to communicate better. I know that he feels incredibly happy in this relationship – his words.

Right now, I wonder if I’m truly happy. In a lot of things, I’m fairly satisfied. Or at least, I thought I was.

I really don’t have many friends right now. It’s a very alienating experience. It’s also partially my fault.

I’ve resigned from many social obligations over the last year. If my online friends cancel on me – well, there goes most outside socialization for me for the week. I’m no longer in the band. I haven’t been doing much outside of work.

I do feel this intense fear right now of making friends. I feel like I’m not very good with keeping up with the friends I already have.

My career… well, I don’t really want to get into that right now.

It’s the weird limbo period. I know if I make some small changes, I will see better outcomes than I’m currently “contented” with.

I’m not content. I’m not content with myself. I’m not content with the way I look, the way I feel, the way I am right now.

I don’t have to always. That’s okay.

Riding the Wave

It’s been a while. But fuuuuuuuck did my dad just trigger the fuck outta me.

So, yesterday was the 10 year anniversary of when I shadowed the Music Therapists in my hometown and decided to take that career path myself. I made a sentimental post – mostly appreciating the teachers in my life and the people particularly in my music therapy/music career. I got some really wonderful, thoughtful replies. My dad proceeds to write:

“And a special thanks to my Dad?????”

… like, what the actual fuck.

No, no this isn’t about you.

In fact, you were MASSIVELY triggering to me during that time. Our relationship was incredibly volatile. I had a weird, codependency and you were my only parent.

You constantly minimized my illness. Tried to intervene in a gross way when I was an adult. Guilt tripped me for utilizing the resources I needed.

I feel like I’m back to where I was 10 years ago.

I’m shaking. I haven’t been this triggered in some time.

I did send him a text. Letting him know I saw his comment. How I wasn’t sure what he was trying to convey – if he was hurt by it I apologized. I then asked if he wanted to proceed to see my content, to not post inflammatory comments on my posts if he has a personal issue with them. To call me or text me instead of posting some comment. I added that his comment had hurt me and sent me mentally spiraling tonight.

Riding out this wave.

Riding out this wave of emotions.

Damn this is hard.

I know that when my dad sees my text, he’ll want to talk. I was thinking of calling him in the morning anyway.

Trying to use T.I.P.P. skills now. Mostly P. and P. It’s going pretty well. I think the worst of it is over.

Whew!! That was intense.

Please note… there was a solid few minutes there between the last few lines. Something that is difficult to convey while writing – time.

Chade just left the bed. Leo is also not around. While I would appreciate their company right now, I think I will try to capitalize on the amount of bed space I have.

NEARING 30

YOUR LIFE IS A CANVAS

Right now, my soul is calling me to see my life in a larger sense.

What am I going to paint on my canvas? What am I being called to create?

What am I grateful for currently?

Well, a relationship with a person I truly love and adore; the health of my friends and family; the continued growth of my future nibling from my sister and brother-in-law; my wonderful pets, Leo and Chade; my musical abilities; my medical team; my coworkers; sparkling water; candles; fairy lights; origami from patients decorating my room.

I have been attempting at writing more music lately.

I’ve gotten better at some things.

Running low on my stock. Maybe I’m being called to sobriety.

Get outside more. Take more pictures. Create memories – ones I’ll remember more clearly.

Get my health on a better path. My diet and exercise have been horrible as of late.

Create a new life? In a new place? How soon?

_____________________________________________

FORGE, DON’T FOLLOW

I have been avoidant as of late.

Avoidant to what needs to be taken care of.

Numb to any consequences.

Forgetful.

High.

This will probably be a painful process. At least I will have Nick here with me through most of it.

At least the first part of it.

Plus, I still have a sleep and a calm CBD forward pen.

My dependence – I realize now how far I am deep.

I’ve known since the pandemic. Before then, I could stop for other things. It wasn’t a big deal.

I’ve been cutting back the last few days. Mostly trying to spread it out.

I’m to move forward. Not to wait for others to dictate my path. I will take the path that is best for me in moving forward.

… What am I moving forward from?

My depressive episode last year that I think I’m really really really FINALLY coming out of with being properly medicated?

California?

Being closer to my relationship and partner opposed to being hours and hours apart?

Dependence on shit?

Lack of aspdlkfjeopiw

ugh.

Maybe all of it. Mostly likely some of it. Probably won’t get through all of that though.

That’s fine. Progress is progress. Whatever and stuff.

Maybe I’ll get fit and sexy along the way. Maybe I’ll actually be able to get drunk again. Or maybe not due to Lexapro. Whatever. I take functioning over drunkeness any day.

Maybe I really am getting older.

A Late Night Thought (A Late Night Feeling)

Nothing is permanent.

And in it, everything exists eternally until it can never be returned.

Energy cannot be created nor lost.

And I continue to give myself, without regard for cost.

At the end of the day, I still feel joy. That reminds me why I’m here. Even if it is temporary. I’m glad I continued to live temporarily to this day. I’m glad I made that choice. Not my illness. Not my trauma. Not my dad nor slighted lover.

Me. I did it.

People helped me do it. Especially when I couldn’t see that choice – or refused to see it.

And maybe I can respond with more kindness.

Back at Zero

What are you carrying that isn’t even yours?

Starseed Oracle Deck

How can I better care for myself?

I ate better today in some ways than I have in a while. I got some payment stuff figured out. Moved/cleaned a bunch of storage. Took my meds. I’m journaling now. I gave Chade a bath and trimmed some of his nails. I cleaned my bathroom. Got lots of sleep last night.

Remembering appointments is something I should get better at though. Totally forgot about my therapy appointment today. Will probably reschedule with her sometime next week.

Nick is doing okay. He gets a little messed up after flying now. I still believe he has Crohn’s. Hopefully, we can get him in to a GI specialist sooner than later. If his current symptoms continue, I will encourage him to go to the ER. That would suck on many, many levels though. Texas’s Medicaid (or lack thereof) is shit. Hopefully, his symptoms continue to improve over the next few months until we can get him back on Obamacare.

My patients have been on my mind. It’s hard working with kids that don’t want help. Thankfully, I have my private client tomorrow. Those sessions tend to be really enjoyable and a nice reset before going back to the in-patient side of things. I like having this balance. I would like it to be even more outpatient and less in-patient, but that’s something for another time.

Currently, my finances aren’t terrible. They aren’t the greatest. I feel like I’m finally making a recovery. Plus, I have been consistently meeting with my private client plus have quite a few pet-sitting gigs coming up.

My family is doing alright – at least last I heard. Should probably call them tomorrow.

I’m trying for a new gig in Albuquerque. Once again. But this job – or these jobs I should say – are in the schools. One of my dream music therapy gigs. I would be closer to home, closer to my friends that I currently spend more time with, and closer to Nick as he finishes up school in El Paso. Better yet, the job is a contract gig – ending around the same time Nick would graduate. Presumably with option to renew if need be.

I don’t know. It’s hard to know when it’s time to push to leave some place. Then again, I’m not really in a place financially to be able to move presently.

What am I carrying that I don’t need to?

It’s really hard to say. I feel like I actually have a lot of things scattered around me that I need to take care of, but my hands are full and I don’t have a backpack.

Maybe I need to find more efficient ways to carry stuff around. Maybe it’s time to invest in a backpack.

….

Where the fuck do I start?

Growing Out

You know what’s frustrating?

When you remind people what work they’re supposed to do… and they don’t do it.

I know I need a different approach.

But now it’s keeping me up. So I need to deal with these emotions in some capacity.

I’m very tired.

This does lead to me being more irritable.

I am not at work right now. Therefore, I am not going to think about it.

I will suggest I take the unit that my coworker didn’t do the work on yesterday and explain that it was part of my training for how we approach that unit. If he doesn’t feel comfortable doing it, then I will take the unit so I feel more confident in my appraisal of the unit.

That’s it. Simple.

No need to rant or rave. I did that. It didn’t accomplish anything. Except make a fool of me.

I will be smarter than that.

Grow. That’s the only way out sometimes – it’s up.

Ugh.

I do feel better now. And fucking tired. Annoyed still.

But better.

Hurting and Healing

You did the same thing my dad does.

Hide things from his partner out of shame, fear, and guilt.

I would like to think that I react better than my step-mother, though.

Mostly fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being judged beyond a moral standard. One that you fear is unattainable.

I haven’t written about you much. Not that you haven’t been on my mind, but being with you is mostly smooth sailing on my end.

Yet, what does what unfolded today show how you view me?

Who am I to you?

Someone you love. Someone you care for.

You’ve been hurting so deeply for a long time. Hurt people hurt people.

Hurt people hurt people.

I’m so glad you have come to see and seek help – even if it isn’t from me. Especially if it isn’t from me in some circumstances.

Yet, what does what unfolded today show how you view me?

And how am I to contest with who I am to you?

Is it really me?

___________________________________________________________________

What do I need for healing?

That is what I ask myself this night.

Deep breaths feel satisfying.

Shitty internet disrupts healing.

How much of myself have I kept from being seen? How much have I thrown myself out for no logical reason? How much of myself do I let myself feel?

I need a shower. Warm water.

Sleep sounds nice.

But when am I healing?

Tomorrow will be a busy day. Dog 1. Work. Dog 1. Echocardiogram. Z-Pix placement. Private kid. Dog 2. Dog 1. Home.

Shitty internet disrupts healing.

It’ll be interesting, that’s for sure.

I will be calm.

I will walk.

I will connect with animals and people.

I will shower when I get home tomorrow.

Maybe a bath too.

Heal.

Choss Rock

I feel so much yet nothing at all right now.

I’m still hypersensitive at times. I need to commit myself to daily practice.

I let myself lull into a state of self-pity this week.

Progress is not linear.

And man, my progress has been waxing and waning.

I’m glad I’m not trying to rush things.

_______________________________________

Jump in.

Yet, trust the timing.

_______________________________________

I’m sorry for getting upset with you today. I’ve noticed when I’m upset, you tell me you love me first and foremost. Honestly, it’s the thing you tell me the most. You tell me you love me all the time. When you can’t think of anything to say sometimes. Especially when you’re groggy.

You were giving me perspective. I’ve been in a pity party lately. I didn’t take it well. We’ve both been very depressed lately. You give me grace, and I give it to you.

I’ve been somewhat detached from my humanity lately.

Being with you reminds me.

My soul is telling me to jump in. I’m grounded to trust the timing.

_______________________________________

Too much and too little at the same time. It’s constant flux. I’ve been hypersensitive. I’m glad I have time away to process. I am hypersensitive.

I am also capable of doing hard things.

I have every right to be where I am right now.

I have every responsibility and reason to continue pushing up.

It’s gonna be a bumpy climb.