Content?

I’m not entirely sure what’s going on here. When I think things are weird but fine… then they turn out to be not fine. It’s been an entirely weird week.

First, an animal I care for died in my care. It was an atypical pet – the smell will haunt me for some time. I’ve been coping with essential oils, candles, etc.

Then, Nick came to visit. It was an alright visit. A nasty fight over my dog being on my bed and him not being able to sleep and me sleep talking. Yes. Sleep talking. Which he then responded with a scathing text message – not understanding that I was sleep talking. The text was very reminiscent of the break-up text he had sent over a year ago. Same language. It was very triggering.

Then, I was told that I internalize everything – which I feel that I’m actually just better at expressing my emotions in non-threatening ways. Nick also internalizes shit – which he at least owned up to. It was just weird. I left it with: couples counseling for sure when we move in together and helping him find resources for him to have a private therapist. His communication skills on this trip were pretty horrendous – which he again owned up to.

Overall – I was feeling very weird about the trip. In the end, we ended up being able to communicate better. I know that he feels incredibly happy in this relationship – his words.

Right now, I wonder if I’m truly happy. In a lot of things, I’m fairly satisfied. Or at least, I thought I was.

I really don’t have many friends right now. It’s a very alienating experience. It’s also partially my fault.

I’ve resigned from many social obligations over the last year. If my online friends cancel on me – well, there goes most outside socialization for me for the week. I’m no longer in the band. I haven’t been doing much outside of work.

I do feel this intense fear right now of making friends. I feel like I’m not very good with keeping up with the friends I already have.

My career… well, I don’t really want to get into that right now.

It’s the weird limbo period. I know if I make some small changes, I will see better outcomes than I’m currently “contented” with.

I’m not content. I’m not content with myself. I’m not content with the way I look, the way I feel, the way I am right now.

I don’t have to always. That’s okay.