Confidently Humbled

The thing I’m struggling with most right now is getting off my god-damned high horse.

I’m still a fucking kid.

And I have no, fucking clue what I’m doing.

How am I in a position of authority?

How am I trusted to do things that I have no real experience in doing?

Fucking Christ.

I haven’t felt this negative about myself in a long time.

I’m getting very stressed out.

I live constantly in fear that I’m fucking up.

If I get confident and act like I’m not fucking it up every second and that I have some sort of authority, I get this “holier than thou” feeling. And it’s because I struggle with it too. I am in no position to tell people how to live their life.

I haven’t figured out how to have people take me seriously while still being able to be myself. I wish I had the luxury to mess up. I wish I felt like I had earned my title somehow.

I guess the thing that shows I’m earning it is by sticking there to learn. I’m consistently fucking up, but I’m learning from those mistakes. At least, I’d like to think I am.

Last year, I processed a big component of my development: the loss of my mother at an early age. This year, I’ve begun processing how this lead me to some unhealthy choices that ultimately destroyed my mental health for a time. But, I have to realize I’ve come a long way.

I never really thought I would get this far.

It seemed like a fantasy that I was going to live past college and have a career. I never put much thought beyond it because it never seemed like it was going to exist with me in it. Not really, at least.

Never, in my wildest dreams, would I have pictured myself doing what I am now.

Part of me kicks myself for doing it.

Part of me realizes it was the best thing I could do for myself.

I’m still human. I’m going to mess up. But I also have some great support around me to help guide me, mentor me, teach me. They realize that I’m still human. I realize I have things to learn from all of them. Everyone matters. Everyone brings some sort of connection just by taking the time to know you.

I have to learn from my mistakes. I have to own them, so I can grow to be better.

This job has made me more accountable for taking care of my health. It was the wake-up call I needed. I have been granted an amazing opportunity to help and serve others in a way I never thought I would do before. Being in any sort of leadership position is hard. I haven’t figured out how to be confident and humble at the same time.

They probably don’t conflict as much as I feel they do in my head… which is why I’m probably struggling with it so hard right now.

Ahh… the inescapable, ruminating thoughts.

How I don’t fear them as much now. Or perhaps I fear them more now and recognize when it’s bringing me to an unhealthy place. I see how it leads down a slippery path that I can prevent. It makes me humble again.

I was humbled to be a part of a wonderful event today through my work. It was a large conference for behavioral health. Looking back, I said some dumb things because I’m a dumb idiot sometimes. But damnit, I have heart. Somewhere. If I can figure my own shit out, thanks.